January 17, 2013

Lonely Man

First, I must choose a place out of public gaze. Then, I must get out of these feelings, covering them with a curtain of secret.
What happens if someone gets more lonely than before when he least wants it? He does not accept it; or maybe I accepted it but there are some impulses telling me to open my eyelids to go out, waiting for me to open my mouth a little more while speaking. I wonder whether I even became scared to eat because of them? Or am I also scared to glance round in the dark? Maybe I get more scared while I’m scared because of the results from the adaptation of my eyes.
It happened while I was sitting about by its sudden appearance before me. There was nothing I could do. After all, bad things approach suddenly from behind when you least expect them; and stick their cold knives into your stomach instead of your spinal bulb, don’t they? Don’t they make us crawl? I was just sitting in front of the computer, trying to write something, my eyes stared at the screen. While I was trying not to steer away from plainness, I suddenly felt the loneliness entered into my room. I was alone in the room but it was alone, too. First, it cooled the room, wanting me to be crouched, thinking this would help it finding me and prevent me from escaping.
Did it know I had never experienced these kinds of things? Or did it just drop by? Who knows who it made happy by leaving alone or who got rid of it and made it upset over its loneliness. I knew it would follow me. It would wait until it would catch me with my pants down and I couldn’t resist it. We are from different realms it is impossible for us to be friends. This meant I had to struggle against it. However, experienced enemy comes at such a moment that the things you could do are very limited. It attacked. It took my body captive. From that day on, I have been feeling depressed; and there is someone inside me that gets upset over anything and that is weak in faith. From that day to this, however, there is something inside me that does not regret the things it has done, that enjoys the melting of the shells of the people it addresses; something happy. A being…
One day, I will separate them. Sometime soon; I feel it. However, I sometimes can’t help but think whether they will miss each other? 

Translation: Melike Uzun

Original version

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