January 28, 2013


Dear Nagihan,

I thought over and want to inform you about it. I feel like more of a liar each day I didn’t  make a statement. I think the thing that is between us is not between us anymore. Now, only “you” have the feelings we shared before. At nights, I don’t think of you looking at the stars as you think, unlike before. Further, your name isn’t among the ones I’ve recently called on my phone. The sentences I make for you are all answers, all of them are short sentences and in fact all of them are just single words: yes, no, ok, all right. . .
Unlike any other separations, I won’t say   “No, it is not you , it is completely me”; all because of you. We ended up in this situation because of your caprices, your selfishness. Once, my answers and opinions were of importance but now, I am only an inner voice which is important that makes you happy when it confirms you. Inner voice: these days, who takes it seriously, to what degree?
You constantly say you miss me whereas the light within me doesn’t illuminate its bottom. Thus, I’m always dark, always in search of another light. When did I last dreamt of kissing you; dreamt and wanted it? So far. . . missing you is out of stock anymore. . .
Once, I used to call you the woman I would marry; you used to tell me “We’ll look into it”. Please, don’t look anymore. Now I find out such a wrong decision it was. Obviously, you are the one can’t swim while I don’t want to go out of the water. I am the one who is afraid of moon while you are afraid of sun. Once, I used to watch your pretty, sleepy face under that moon. Now, I hesitate getting into your house on the first and last days of the months in fear that I wake up at midnight.
Do you realize I don’t give any example of our problems. Maybe we don’t have any problem at all. The problem is that the things that have a say in emotional relationships are your emotions. I cannot cease listening to my emotions and they have already ceased saying Nagihan. Wish you to find someone who can influence his emotions (his emotions will contradict in time unless you adapt yourself).
Take care of yourself. . .

-Darling, get up from the computer, let’s go to Perlot. I haven’t been there for a week. A new movie is released; then, we shall watch it.  I loved its trailer. And on the way home, we shall stop by Melike.
-Ok Nagihan. . .

Translation: Melike Uzun

January 17, 2013

Lonely Man

First, I must choose a place out of public gaze. Then, I must get out of these feelings, covering them with a curtain of secret.
What happens if someone gets more lonely than before when he least wants it? He does not accept it; or maybe I accepted it but there are some impulses telling me to open my eyelids to go out, waiting for me to open my mouth a little more while speaking. I wonder whether I even became scared to eat because of them? Or am I also scared to glance round in the dark? Maybe I get more scared while I’m scared because of the results from the adaptation of my eyes.
It happened while I was sitting about by its sudden appearance before me. There was nothing I could do. After all, bad things approach suddenly from behind when you least expect them; and stick their cold knives into your stomach instead of your spinal bulb, don’t they? Don’t they make us crawl? I was just sitting in front of the computer, trying to write something, my eyes stared at the screen. While I was trying not to steer away from plainness, I suddenly felt the loneliness entered into my room. I was alone in the room but it was alone, too. First, it cooled the room, wanting me to be crouched, thinking this would help it finding me and prevent me from escaping.
Did it know I had never experienced these kinds of things? Or did it just drop by? Who knows who it made happy by leaving alone or who got rid of it and made it upset over its loneliness. I knew it would follow me. It would wait until it would catch me with my pants down and I couldn’t resist it. We are from different realms it is impossible for us to be friends. This meant I had to struggle against it. However, experienced enemy comes at such a moment that the things you could do are very limited. It attacked. It took my body captive. From that day on, I have been feeling depressed; and there is someone inside me that gets upset over anything and that is weak in faith. From that day to this, however, there is something inside me that does not regret the things it has done, that enjoys the melting of the shells of the people it addresses; something happy. A being…
One day, I will separate them. Sometime soon; I feel it. However, I sometimes can’t help but think whether they will miss each other? 

Translation: Melike Uzun

Original version